The most devastating feeling we’ve all felt at some point in our lives, a feeling so dangerous that it can turn our perception inside out, and make us hopeless of seeing the sun after the rain ever again, loneliness.
It all starts out as a mere rejection, as you try to approach certain people, be it in the search of new friends, trying to fit in a new social circle, or perhaps someone that got you to love everything they’ve got. And as you try approaching and exposing your feeling s towards them, shyly but hopefully, they don’t really respond as you thought they would. Some of these people might shake you off as another useless and uninteresting part of their lives, while some might make fun of you. Nonetheless, it is, indeed, off-putting the first ten, twenty times.
But as time passes, and the number of failures you’ve got grows with each and every new try, it will soon put you into a constant negative perspective of yourself, that will sooner or later develop into depression, anxiety, and so on. You start viewing yourself as not good enough, physically, or on an emotional level, lacking confidence and slowly deprecating your self image even further, because no one really cares, and that’s just the way it is, you guess.
You put a hoodie over your head, a pair of headphones eventually in your ears, and then you start spending countless hours locked away in your room, using video games, TV, or the internet as your escape from this increasingly sick society you’ve decided to run away from. And as every action has a reaction, soon enough you find yourself to be quite literally the ghost of who you once used to be, and not even human interaction can seem to help you out of this trench you’ve got yourself into while fighting the war against mental illness, and what’s worse, against yourself. At least, that’s what I did, to be quite honest[…]
I was actually one of the best learners in school, that is until around the eight grade. My mom has divorced at the age of 9, and surprisingly, that was not even one of the issue, until my dad became an alcoholic, but by that time, the poverty and social circles that no longer existed in my life made me spend countless hours gaming, locked away every single day after school in my filthy, cold, dark room, with it’s only sacred corner I’ve fought for so hard, a small table, with a computer. Long story short, fast forwarding around seven years of battle on my own without any medication and anyone besides me, I somehow managed to get through it, and things started looking better by the age of eighteen, in the last year of my high school education. By that point however, I wasn’t even expecting anymore for someone to pop into my life magically, and save me. Why would I, after so many nights cried to sleep and so many years lived in a virtual world that at least brought me some comfort?
I am not lying if I said that I was one of the only people in my highschool who had completely shut out everything and everyone, going to the classes just for the actual so called “education” we were supposed to be given. But then the light suddenly showed up in my life.
Supported by one of my parents, I ran away from home, and spent the rest of the year getting ready for the exams in a shared room with a roommate I can’t stand even to this day. One day, walking around the store, scrolling through possible friends on social media, I saw the picture of what seemed to be one of the most misunderstood girls in the school. Wanting to just chat with someone at the time, I quickly sent out a friend request and, fifteen minutes later, I was in my first relationship. I am guessing that, by this point you can imagine to a how happy and excited I was after all this time, right? But in the back of my mind, there was always this thought that something is not right, simply because it’s quite impossible to get such a good outcome after so much struggle. And guess what, I was right! I am not going to describe this in any more detail, but I’d like to just say that the girl that I’ve met was even worse from a psychological standpoint. And after about three months of me trying to make things right, I ended up quitting the relationship. On a train ride two weeks later, the second opportunity showed for a relationship, but this time I wasn’t so broke, neither was I eating one meal a day as I did until seventeen, plus I was proud member of a fighting class that turned my confidence up over a hundred. Two dates it took, and I was again on my own, simply because the person I was together with didn’t have at least a bit of dedication towards doing something, and while we’d go out in the park for a walk, she wouldn’t even make the slightest effort to make herself look somewhat decent. However, this was not because of a similar problem that my first mate had, though I quickly realized that it was of no use.
Sitting in my room, weighting the choices of my life and my self image, I finally realized that it’s no use being who I am, because everyone I attract, even though similar to me, will never lead towards happiness. Then came the choice.
So far in my life, all these things I couldn’t control, like poverty, messed me up so badly that I didn’t even knew what I was supposed to do anymore. I thought I needed love, but as it turns out I just scraped the bottom of relationship left-overs like I was the last poor person that would go and ask for food, and would get only what is left and unneeded. I would like to make clear the fact that this is not to discriminate anyone who might find themselves where I, or others were, but it was necessary to describe what has lead me to embark on the journey that I am on even today.
I made it clear with myself that I can’t stay like this forever. Why would I? What’s the use? I can’t even help myself, how am I expected to help someone else who is in the same condition and is getting destroyed by the waves of emotional and physical damage that life sent toward him/her? It was one thing that I didn’t have a choice so far, but now I did. I was on my own. And all these years of trial end error, trying to find what I was trying to be everything I wasn’t, made me revise my battle plan. And man, it was damn hard. It sucked. I can recall nights cried before heading to sleep because I just wanted someone to get me, someone to hold me, and tell me everything is going to be alright. But that was not going to happen. I had two choices. Actually three, but the third one was the last resort. I was stronger than that, and I knew I could take it. The following year, I tried my absolute best to get myself out of the dark place I was in so far. I even resorted to self harm, I was at a certain point walking around with a blade in my back pocket at all times. At the fighting classes I took, everyone was looking suspiciously at the determination I devoted to every single thing in my life. At school, there were the jokers, that bit their tongues, or, perhaps, I just didn’t give the slightest damn about them while I was focusing to get out of my ruins.
And through all these self-destructive thoughts and otherworldly determination that was constantly bashed by my loneliness and lack of affection I had, I managed to get through the toughest year of my life. And the point of all this long yet brief description I gave of the worst I’ve had, was necessary in order to make you, dear reader, understand that not only you are not alone, but also there is absolutely no need in your life to hang on to a reason for which you might believe you are just simply unable to succeed on your own. Some people do it deliberately, some do it because they were simply forced into this closed, cold, lonely and dark place in their mind, that affects them in the choices they make, and it stops you, from getting what you want, because you think you need someone else in order to reassure you that you are good enough. Nonetheless, you are not just good enough, you are amazingly enough to do anything and overcome any hardships in your life, with, or without lacking something. It hurts, I know, we all know. And pain is one of the best teachers for those who don’t give in to it. And as I said before, it is okay to hurt, and to experience pain, but it’s not acceptable from you to give in to this seemingly impossible situation. The biggest wars are not fought on the front-line, but inside us. And don’t let anyone influence the way you think or see yourself, just because probably they don’t have the slightest idea what you are going through, and neither do they see the scars that you are hiding on a mental level. It’s all about perspective when it comes to how you act, or how you don’t, waiting for something to happen. But this perspective is at your will, and I think you should constantly try to bend it towards what you want, because if you don’t, then there is no use to do what I did for seven years, and keep waiting for someone to save you. The only difference you must make in your life, in order to realize that yes, you can do it on your own, is to simply replace most the time you are depressed, sad, or lonely, with actions. Paint, sing, take a course, on line, or otherwise, do anything that helps you forget and overcome the feelings you are battling with.
And eventually, you will finally see the sun shine across everything you thought is forever lost in the darkness, you just have to keep fighting.